My Greatest Fear

These days, when so many people are fearful of the things happening in our world, what with the economic crisis and all, I thought it appropriate to discuss my all time greatest fear.  Cockroaches.  I shudder at the thought.  I cringe at the thought.  My eyes well up with tears at the thought of these creatures.  No one likes them.  They annoy/scare/irritate just about everyone I know.  But I am phobic about them.  When/if I actually encounter one, my life is at its worst moment.  And I am always fearful that today is the day that I may see one again.

I have, luckily, only had a few incidences with them (roaches) over the past three years.  Orange County, Orange County is the place where I had to come to deal with the worst pest of all.  Back when I had two waitressing jobs, I worked a lot of double shifts and inevitably I was cranky all the time and usually in need of a bottle of wine to wind down when I got home.  That night Shaun was working and I was home alone at my old place.  I turned on Sideways, perfect movie to drink a bottle of Coppola Claret to, opened my wine, poured a little into my glass, set the bottle on the table beside me, leaned back on my couch and started the movie.  I sipped the wine.  Only about ten minutes into the film I noticed something black on my paneled living room wall.  It crawled higher up the vaulted wall.  I froze.  "Is that?"  I asked myself privately, "Is that a roach."  It was HUGE.  I think there was a shadow, but it was 2 1/2 inches long at least.  "Ok, " I reasoned with myself, "OK.  If you can see this thing, you are OK.  As long as you know where it is.  It's just sitting up on the wall.  No big deal."  I drank a little more Claret.  My heart started pounding.  I couldn't focus on the movie whatsoever.  I started sweating, scared, my heart was beating loudly.  "You can ignore it."  All of a sudden it jumped/flew across from the wall to the ceiling.  I SCREAMED.  I put my wine down.  I grabbed the phone, ran into the bedroom, and shoved a towel in the crack under the door.  I paced, tears streaming down my face.  "Goddamnit!  Why? Why? Why tonight!"  All I wanted was to relax and get drunk.  A quiet night alone.  I called Erinn.  She's good with bugs, she'll know what to do.  No answer.  I called my sister.  I was sobbing, she was worried, until she heard my predicament.  But she laughed and listened anyway.  "And the worst thing Samantha, is that my wine is out there and I really need a drink!"  I dared to open the door, run out, and grab the glass and bottle.  I went back in my room, talked to my sister and got drunk, scared shitless.  My biggest fear was born.

Over the next couple of years they crawled over a few times.  Luckily Shaun was there to collect them, kill them, or at least take them outside somewhere.  Always, whenever one appeared, they would crawl in under the crack in the door, I would panic, scream, cry and hide in my room until they were gone.

I bought some Raid, especially for roaches.  Clove scented.  But there isn't much that can actually mask the stench of bug spray.  And my second biggest fear is dying of poisoning from caustic household substances.   As if I could actually get to the Raid, grab the can, hold it and point at a moving target, all while shaking and crying.  But the Raid made me feel safe and when I was alone at night I would have it near me.  Just in case.

They are terrifying to behold.  Black, antennae everywhere, WINGS.  Their size compared to other household insects is incredible.  But their erratic behavior gets me the most.  They can move quickly.  

Shaun had seen a few here at our new place in Orange.  Over the years since my first encounter my phobia has grown into an ever present, all-consuming fervent thought.  Sometimes I can think about other things, usually not.  He would allude to one that he killed, in that special way he has, which is to tell me not to worry, but that scares me more.  "What!!!  One was here, where?  Did you catch it???!!!!"  And Shaun, whose annoyance with my phobia has grown along with my terror, will say: "Yes.  It's fine.  Don't think about it."

One night, in May, I was busy working on a scrapbook in my kitchen, for hours, quietly.  I went to throw some trash away, under the sink, and I noticed a roach.  I tore out of the kitchen.  My heart pounding.  What to do?  I HAD to finish that scrapbook that night, I was running out of time before my grandma's birthday party, I was to give it to her then.  Where was the Raid?  In the cupboard that the roach was crawling all over.  They are so bold as to crawl right on the spray meant to kill them.  Not that I could ever even use it.  I thought briefly about calling Maggiano's and telling them that it was an emergency and that Shaun was needed at home right away.  I couldn't actually do it though, Shaun would be mad.  I was crying, freaked out, in terror, so I called Raylene.  She may be home, she just lives down the street.  I left her a message telling her that it was an emergency.  I called Erinn.  She answered.  I know that she's all the way in Wisconsin, but as she is somewhat of a bug expert, I told her the situation, tears streaming down my face, choking back sobs.  Just her sensible voice calmed me.

"What do I do?" I said.

"They respond to noise, vibrations in the floor."

"So, when I screamed at the top of my lungs, do you think it heard me?"

"Yes, and I'm sure it was more scared of you than you are of it."

"I don't think that's possible," I sobbed.

How is that supposed to reassure me? I've never been so terrified of anything in my entire life.

To know that the roach is scared too, well, that does nothing for me.  I realize that the both of us are operating on adrenaline when we come in contact with one another, no good.  He's scared, I'm scared, nothing rational is going on, it's chaos.

I had to go, because Raylene was calling, and I had told her it was an emergency.  She came right from work.  By then the roach had gone.  Raylene looked for it, to kill it with the Raid, but it had escaped.  She stayed with me and we talked all night until Shaun came home.

Shaun had a suggestion for me "Why don't you read a book about roaches.  You used to be afraid of spiders until you read a book about them.  You used to be afraid of Mormons until you read a book about them."  My response: "If I had a book about Roaches in here, I would never get any sleep.  I would look at the pictures and stay up all night with anxiety."

They crawl in my medicine cabinet.  I suspected they were in there.  But Shaun found one in there yesterday in the daytime.  That's just great.  Where can I go?  I am never safe.  Before, they were nighttime creatures.  I would encounter them at night.  But now, with this daytime run-in, how can I be sure that I won't see one in the day: my safe haven?

At night they haunt me.  In the day they nag me.  I've only seen 9, maybe, over the past three years.  But it doesn't matter if I never see another one.  There's nothing that I can do.  So I sit here, this evening, feeling the light change outside.  The sun is going down (not that it matters what time of day it is apparently) and I begin to feel the fear.  Can of Raid by my side, that I'll hopefully not need, but it's here to protect me, until Shaun gets home, from my greatest fear: the cockroach.