Detroit

One night, about a year and a half ago, Ryan called us.  Not unusual, he calls often.  He asked if we would go with Raylene, Nick, Olivia and himself to a club and see a band.  And to everyone's surprise, Shaun and I said "Yes."  Because as you may or may not know, we aren't known to go out and do stuff that normal 20-somethings do.  We had just left Mimi's where we had eaten dinner at the counter, like old people do.

We went home, because the show wasn't until 10 or 11, and we had some time to kill, so I surfed through MySpace, which was new to me then.  And I was getting depressed.  Everyone's so cool.  Some are too cool; some are arsty; some were cool in high school (and still smug about it); some flaunt their intelligence.  Everyone wants to be noticed- I get it.  Of course I'm the one spending my time looking at all of these pages.  And wondering if my life compares to the fun times all of these people are having.  Should I add more pics of me with sunglasses on, holding a margarita and wearing a bikini?  But I'd have to get the glasses, bikini, and the bikini body from somewhere.  My prospects for online coolness were very low.  Alas, I could not give in completely to the MySpace party.  Once again, I was a voyeur, pouting on the sidelines.

And then on the way to the club, I was riffing about "Locks of Love" and how I'm sick of people growing their hair out for that cause.  And how you are supposed to act like it's such a big deal when they do it.  Not that I'm against the actual organization.  I want little girls with cancer to have beautiful wigs they can be proud of.  I'm tired of the women I know who donate it.  It's like they can't wait to talk about it.  Like, I'm supposed to say how lucky some girl would be to get their disgusting ratty hair.  "Oh, why did you cut your hair?"  "I donated it to locks of love."  As if growing hair isn't something that you do anyway, like they have reinvented the charity wheel.  I had decided to cut all of my (then) long hair off and throw it away.  Because I'm evil.  

As we pulled up to this trashy old strip mall in Costa Mesa--now where coolness is born--to a hipster place "Detroit."  Or was it "The Detroit?"  I think it was just "Detroit," which is cooler.  We arrived first and looked around.  It was spare, remodeled, but funky.  Despite myself and my soaring negativity levels, I liked it there.  This bar/club in between a donut shop and a restaurant with the simple heading "Mexican Restaurant."  

Sadly, due to an unfortunate drunken escapade, my normal drinking abilities were on hiatus, so only water for me.  Ryan, Raylene and Nick came in, to my relief.  We did our best to talk amidst the noise of the two opening bands who were good...but not great.  And we talked about movie stars, or at least known actors who have fairly famous bands now.  The list is long: Keanu Reeves, Jered Leto, Jenna Malone, Jenny Lewis, Kevin Bacon.  All that shit annoys me.  I'm tired of our Celebrity culture.  Isn't one career enough for you people?

Olivia came and it was growing harder and harder to hear, so we broke off into twos.  Nick and I talked about old memories mostly.  And I was drawn back in to those high school days.  All of the intense feelings of inadequacy came flooding through me without the liquor induced haze. I looked around, and just like high school, felt out of place in this club, meant for people who know things about being cool.  But out of nowhere the DJ played "The Kids in the Hall" theme song and I could relax a bit.  Being able to place random trivia is an essential part of the hipster crowd, and I felt maybe they wouldn't throw me out after all.

When "The Helio Sequence" started, we all went over to the stage to watch.  They were great,I was truly glad to have watched them play.  Inspiring to Shaun and me, for different reasons.  And strange to have Shaun with me at a show, usually he the one I'm there to see.  Ryan and Nick fully come to life at a concert.  They are music fanatics.  I was amazed at how they lost themselves in the performance, even without psychedelic drugs. Shaun and I were awkward, a little.  We couldn't lose ourselves.  Apparently, I need drugs.  And I was sober.  And hyper-aware of all the hipsters.

Hipsters: they have dirty (but incredibly styled to look that way) hair.  Their hair can be longish or shortish, depending on their career.  Facial hair (males) if possible.  They wear tight, low-riding, expensive girlish jeans.  Skinny jeans.  Flat shoes.  A dirty looking T-shirt and a warm-up jacket.  And maybe a hat, like an army cap.  Glasses.  And a "man satchel."  A cool camera, an amazing phone.  Girlfriend: skinny, ineffectual looking, brown/shaggy hair style, skinny jeans also, simple tank top, cool shoes.  She wears all muted colors, except maybe fun shoes.

And by the way, you must have an opinion on everything to do with music, movies, TV, art, books (in that order).  Drink beer.  A mellow high.  Have some kind of an art based education too.  In my nerdish outfit, jacket, lipstick, blonde hair look I felt horribly out of place.  I may have the opinions going, but Shaun and my, our, "look" is completely wrong.  Our clothes matched (not matching outfits) and the cost of our outfits wasn't nearly expensive enough.  Shaun has no cel phone and mine was the Nokia freebie.  And I was too sober not to worry about how I'll never be cool.  But how I could never just give in to nerdsville either.  And I missed having a best girlfriend.  Watching Raylene and Olivia, I was envious of their friendship and I missed Erinn and Annie.  We all fit together somehow.  I had all of this blonde hair and stood out.  And hipsters seem to blend in with each other.

So, I don't fit in.  But, I have Shaun.  So that's pretty good.  And the band was good.  I could put that night down  on my coolness resume and impress some hipsters with it someday.

Ryan was in heaven.  And the next day he called and said how happy he was that we came out and went to the show. He said it was just like college, when he and Nick would go see bands all the time and life was good.  He was so happy that we all had this spontaneous evening and we all liked the band. And even though inside that day I was all nervousness and worrisome, looking back on that night, Ryan was right.  We did have fun.  And next time I'll have a couple beers.  

More on me

So, I have another theory.  But this one is actually comforting to me.  The theory is that there are two types of people in this world, or at least in my world. 

1. People who are cool, and 2. People who are geeks.  

Cool people can simply get through the day.  They like things, they may have some hobbies.  They probably work out, take care of their bodies.  They live life in moderation.  What's cool about them is that they actually can handle life.  They assess those around them with accuracy and they are helpful to their friends.  Of course they have emotional times, but these times aren't their driving force.  They have answers.  Life isn't mysterious.  It is simply life.  There are the normal things to work out, jobs, living arrangements and all of that, but if a person is cool they handle these things well.  They are not neurotic.  They have the potential to be happy with life, but would never flaunt it energetically.  They are self-contained, self-satisfied and I believe to be content with existence.

Geeks are not cool.  Nothing about them.  They could be admired from like-minded others, or even cool people.  But they are never cool.  They are fanatics.  When they love something, they know every last detail.  They collect their favorite things.  The keep track of what they care about.  They may not know everything about everything, but when it comes to pet subjects, there isn't a fact that they can't quote.  And when geeks meet up together, their energy is palatable.  Arguing, excitement, comparing, contrasting usually goes on.  Geeks know way too much trivia.  They have a harder time getting their lives together, maybe because they are too busy studying, I don't know.  The worst thing is that a lot of times I think they try to portray coolness and they fail.  Are they happy in their bodies?  Maybe not. 

Obviously, I am a geek.  I have pet subjects, which I am proud to know a lot about.  Astrology, Disney, MST3K, Elvis.  Gosh.  Reading these back to myself is kind of embarrassing, and there are so many more subjects that I simply can't get enough of.  I don't ever LOOK good, because I spent way too much of my life reading or watching movies.  And not having all the information about some nerdy thing that I care about kills me.  I have to know everything.  About people that I love, I wonder: What makes them tick?  When is their birthday? Why do they make those  choices?  And on and on.  I get hurt by people.  If I were cool, people couldn't get to me the way that they do.  I take things personally.

Shaun is cool.  Raylene is cool.  There is no other word for me to use but that.  Yes, I have witnessed moments of craziness from them, but generally their lives are well maintained and enjoyed.  Getting through a day, for me, is like an obstacle course, with wild emotions, frustrations etc.  And in group settings, I'm completely wild with delight because I'm an extroverted geek.  I want to tell stories about things, make announcements, talk about important issues, all with overwhelming intensity.  That I cannot control.  Shaun has the ability to be casual.  Yes, that's it.  That's part of the coolness, being casual.  I think a lot of the geeks that I know can't be casual.  It's all or nothing, which gets them hurt.  

Some people are hybrids of the two, different situations bring out different sides.  But after four years of trying my hardest to be cool, failing miserably, and feeling miserable because I internalize everything, I surrendered to my geeky side.  This was yesterday.  And I am so much happier.  I may never feel completely comfortable, easy, simple, satisfied.  But I have all of my pet subjects to keep me going, bouts of mania for others to enjoy, and a renewed sense of self.  Yes I've wandered through the valley of coolness, at Shaun's side.  But I was never given even a guest pass. 

And I can, from the vantage point of geekville, admire and enjoy the cool people.  I will think about what they could be thinking about and wonder what makes them tick.  All the while knowing that they will never spend much of their thoughts on me.